Dearest Father,

Mom is somewhere on a cruise ship on her way to Mexico -- although she is far, we all know her heart still remains with you and she has promised to bring back to you some sand from Mexico. We all know this will be a good escape from her sadness but every happy moment for her will be a sad and constant reminder that she is experiencing it without her very best friend. She called me during her layover, crying because she ended up calling your cellphone (the one we have not allowed ourselves to cancel just so we can hear your voice when we call) and left you a message letting you know that she missed you and that she was okay. Remember, when you were still alive, you'd worry so much about Mommy--that she'd get lost or lose her luggage? We cried over the phone together . . . I tried to cheer her up but it's hard to do when you're crying yourself, you know? Sometimes, I hate myself for not taking you on a trip before we started chemotherapy. I guess, like everyone else, I was just so hopeful for a different outcome. I miss you Daddy.

Anyhow, my mother's cruise was a purposeful decision by Z because she did not want to be around to remind herself that she has no father this year. This Father's Day will be our first without you. If you were still here, I think I would have bought you that electric knife sharpener you were talking about with excitement during our clinic visits in September. Remember how I was supposed to take you to pick it out at Home Depot when you were feeling better? Well, that "feeling better" part never happened and you left this world with one less wish fulfilled. I sometimes wonder if you purposely delayed buying this because you knew that you weren't going to get better...Was it just to give me false hope? I fell for it until the very last week of your life. You were always so darn selfless that way. But I love you for that. We never got to say proper goodbyes, but I guess even if I had a month to say goodbye, I'd still not be satisfied. Well, come Sunday, Daddy, I'll be sure to bring you some beautiful flowers and steak to celebrate Father's Day with you.

Your forever daughter,
Me

PS, I bet you must've gained some weight since you've left this world because Suze and Mommy drop food and drinks off for you several times a week? Anyhow, I'm quite eager to see you in my dreams again as they are becoming infrequent and I miss being alongside of you...