Dearest Father,
Just the other day, we visited you at your new home. And, maybe, you'll be happy to know that I did not leave you with any tears this time. I brought you a piece of Famous Dave's ribtip I ate for lunch earlier that day. Fuyei left it for you and said a few words. I believe you tried Famous Dave's food once before and to my surprise you actually liked it. But never as much as you loved steak. You love for it makes it hard for me to eat it these days without thinking of you. Speaking of food, I have yet to make laj since your death, your other favorite meat dish. I believe that was probably the last dish I ever made for you with my own hands. I loved making that dish for you too, I even took the long painful route of panfrying the beef and then slicing it thinly because that makes the best laj. I slaved over it for several hours while you lay there in the hospital awaiting my arrival and refused to eat much else because you were saving your stomach for the laj. Dad, oh, how much I miss preparing you your favorite meals.
And that is just the beginning of all the things I miss about you. I miss having a father next to my mother. I miss having someone ask me "Have you remembered to change the oil in your car?" I miss having to make your appointments to follow with your cardiologist over such trivial issues such as your elevated triglyceride levels. If I'd had know that when we stopped at my house after your last oncology visit, that it would be the last time you visited my home, I would have never let you leave. I had so many memories still to write in that house with you dad. You were supposed to hu plig for my future children. You were supposed to eat more of the steak I was to prepare on my charcoal grill. You were supposed to watch your favorite Kung-fu movies on the projector downstairs. You were supposed to still be here. I still can't believe it--I will be 30 and fatherless. I am 29 and fatherless. And although I know you are still here with me daddy in spirit, you know I prefer you here in real life.
But despite all my heartaches and yearnings to have you return to me, I know, I must continue to trudge forward. You will be happy to know I have a job lined up. I know you will be happy because I have chosen to work with refugees in Saint Paul. How could I not? You always reminded me to remember to share what I know with those who need it the most. I will continue to do that my dear father.
By the way, I've missed you in my dreams. It's amazing how my dreams have evolved since your death. Initially in my dreams, I knew you had died but returned because you missed us or were happy with how your funeral was being planned. Lately, my dreams have been centered around your cancer...the knowing and anticipating your last breath. Ine the last one, we (you, mom, me, and some of the sisters) were walking with you around the state fair when you became quite fatigued. I carried you on my back and we tried to find our way back home...checking along the way if your heart was still beating.
There are many things I still have a hard time understanding Dad. But I do know that your heart beats in me. Just so you know, I hug your son for you each time I see him now. Because I know he needs that, and I know you would do that for him if you were still here.
The girl whose eye make-up will surely not look good on her puffy eyes tomorrow,
Your daughter
