Dearest Father,

It has now been one week since your chemotherapy treatment. And, sooner than we all expected, you are now in the hospital because your white count is too low and you are having fevers. Oh, dad, how I wish this wasn't so. How I wished the chemotherapy would have staved off the progression of the cancer without causing so much side effect. You haven't been able to walk much because of the severe muscle and joint aches, not been able to eat much because you've been bloated, diarrheal, and now constipated and have lost 6 lbs in just 1 week, have a new rash, peripheral neuropathy, and quite fatigued with it all. You're not laughing or smiling as much and needing to take pain meds around the clock. My fingers are crossed and so many people are praying for you dad, so please hang in there. At least the promising news is that the pleural effusion is not building up as much as last week....I hope that means the cancer itself is not progressing.

Every night, you're getting so many visitors that you're not even getting a chance to rest much. Though most have been positive, there have been a few people in there with conspiracy theories that you were not given meds to try and kill cancer cells, but really just poisoned. You're so brave and have so much faith in "western" medicine that you just laugh that off. I am so touched how much you believe in "modern" medicine. You have so much hope and belief in this stuff that is done to you and you don't question the motives of your providers. I love you for that. For your ability to think beyond fear. You are a smart man. I know I say it all the time, but I am so proud to be your daughter.

Daddy, I don't know how you are dealing with your emotions these days because you're constantly having to think about your physical health. But to be honest with you, I think I am past the grieving, angry, "why us?" stage. I am now in the fight-to-the-end mode. Going to work and keeping busy has been good. I sometimes forget the reality of the situation until I come see you and then have to face the truth in front of me. It's so hard to see you suffering. The tears, too, have come less and less--except for the other day. My brother surprised you with the new RAV4 that you have been eyeing for quite some time now--4 years to be exact. I still remember how you gave me your RAV4 that you had worked terrible back-breaking hours to get. My rusted 87 Toyota camry finally died on me and I needed to drive around to the different hospital sites for medical school so you gave me your "baby" and instead took the huge family truck. You gave that up for me, dad so that I could be here today. That is not fair what you are going through dad. Please, please, please get better. You finally got a car and need to get better so that you can drive your car and feel that pedal beneath your foot...

I wish there was a pill for cancer, daddy. I wish it were that easy. You have been so awesome about taking your medications after you had your heart attack two years ago. You have always been the best patient ever. I pray you are rewarded for being the best father, husband, and patient ever...

With hopes abound that you will make a quick recovery and leave this hospital,
your daughter

Dearest Father,

I just got off the phone with you trying to decide whether you should go to the ER tonight because the fluid around your lungs have accumulated faster than last week. It makes it hard for you to even climb stairs. You are also uncomfortable and having a harder time sleeping now. Oh, how my heart aches for you and your suffering. The thought never crossed my mind ever that my very own father would be walking the halls of the the hospital which has occupied the past 3 years of my life.

I remember, daddy, thinking whether I wanted to move away for residency. I wanted so much to see the world, ya know? Be on my own. But I ended up staying in town because I knew you and mommy were getting older. And, sure enough, first year of residency, you had that massive heart attack. I remember that scared everyone in the family. If any of us missed a phone call from you, we made sure to call you back. And then just after my Hmoob wedding, you started having some stomach pains. Worried that you were having more heart troubles, we brought you to the ER. They never figured out why you had the pain, but they did find that you had a worriesome looking tumor on your left kidney. After watching it for a few months and seeing it had grown, you decided to get it treated by freezing the tumor. And then we waited again, getting images every few months or so. And, as it looked finally that the kidney tumor was not active anymore, now you have locally metastatic cancer. You're always worried, mom is always crying. Everyone is dealing with this news in their own way. I'm finding these letters to you and some Hmoob music to be my solace. My brother, I'm sure is crying in privacy--trying to be strong in his own way for you, but so terrified to lose his best friend. You two have such a wonderful relationship. Mommy tells me that he always checks in on you every night before he goes to bed. And big sister M is already having so much responsibilities in caring for her in-laws that my heart goes out to her too. I can't even imagine how Z feels being so far away and feeling helpless. Big S has been driving up here, hauling her family from Rochester more often these last few months so that she can spend time with you and make it to as many appointments as she can. She's the biggest crybaby of us all, but this time around, daddy she's been trying to stay strong for you. Little S, I'm sure is having a hard time concentrating on her school work and job. The time she has to spend with you competes with her other responsibilities and I'm sure she struggles with that. I always thought it was silly for her to sleep at the foot of you and mommy's bed when she would stay over at your house, but now I envy that I didn't get to enjoy such simple things with you two. And the baby girl of the family who wears her heart on her sleeves I'm sure feels robbed most of all. She is still working on defining who she is, and would be so lost without you. And daddy, I can't imagine how the 13 grandchildren will miss you--for many of them who may have to get to know you through pictures. I think of my future children--how I never imagined they would never get to meet you--your warm smile and perfect teeth, your laugh, love for steak and fishing, your promptness, and mostly the love you have given to everyone who has crossed paths for you.

I hope and pray to all the gods out there, to keep you with us for a while longer. You have worked so hard and given up so much in your life for me, and I've not had the chance to repay you yet. I know I will never get to repay you for all you have given me, I just want to time to try and accomplish as much of that as I can.

Sleep well tonight daddy. Wake up feeling rested. We will resolve this fluid build-up so that you will be most comfortable.

With kisses from she who feels completely helpless,
your daughter

Dearest Father,

Thank you for letting me go after my dreams of becoming a doctor. Thank you for letting me leave your home before I was married so I could focus on my studies. I know there are many Hmoob people who have disagreed with your contemporary thoughts that daughters should be allowed the same privileges as sons. They resent that to this day, even. Even, now, knowing that you have cancer, people are saying that to my mother. "Your breastmilk was wasted on your daughters. They leave the home and you can't get one meal out of them." "You give your children such big dowries but watch, if you should need any money, they will give it to you but expect you to pay it back." Of all things in this world that matter in your life at this time...why must people say such things? Out of jealousy, spite, anger? Dad, you are too kind to say anything to people. But to these people I would like to say something, "Please keep your stupid, backward comments to yourself. My father has cancer. And please be rest assured that I will do everything in my power to ensure my father has suffers the least--whether it is time or money--because he is my father. And I will gladly take that worry away from him. As my father did not choose to have Stage IV cancer, I did not choose to be a daughter."

Daddy, please know that you did not close any doors on me and I will never close any doors on you.

She who will be with you every step of the way,
your daughter

Dearest Father,

Mom tells me you've not since eaten 8pm last night in preparation for today's PET scan and MRI of the brain. You must be very hungry, huh? We can eat what you like after all the imaging studies today. And she also tells me that you have been having some discomfort and needing tylenol constantly. Oh, dad, I wish so much that I could help you relieve some of your pain.

Is your heart heavy, as is mine? I never knew what it felt like to walk around with a heavy heart but I have understood that all to well these last few days. The only way I escape is when I drown out my thoughts with music.

I don't want to go to sleep because when I wake up another day will have come. I lay there in bed and have no desire to get up and face the day. Perhaps, it is because it is one less day I will have with you....and maybe, if the next day doesn't come, that means you will be here with me still. Because there is so much we have yet to do Dad--like that trip to Thailand next summer...

Oh, Dad, I am asking for so many people to pray for you, that we will beat the odds.

Love you with every ounce of me,
your daughter

PS I'm crying right now because my mom crying and telling me about the conversation you had with grandma....that you told her you might go before her as you have been telling my mother. I don't think my mom is doing too well with all of this. She is crying all of the time.

Dearest Father,

Some fathers and daughters go through life not sure how much they love one another. But I know in my heart how much you love me. And I am sure you know how much I love you. I want to take this pain away from you so much daddy, but I can't this time. I am so grateful I have been with you during your most scared moments--when you were having your heart attack, when you were recovering from your procedure to freeze the kidney cancer, and when you had the lung biopsy and thoracentesis last week to confirm that you now have stage IV lung cancer. I thought that all these years of medical training would make the experience easier for me to handle. But it has been so hard, daddy.

I stare at you a lot more than I used to. I study your expressions, trying to get a sense of what you are thinking inside. There are probably alot of emotions you're dealing with, but I think you are not ready to let us go. I know you said yesterday that you'll try any life-prolonging measurements because we love you too much and you want to be with us for as long as you can. I'm not surprised you said that dad because that is always how you've been. You have alway put your love for us first. You have taken a lot of crap from people because of that. I still will not forgive people for blaming you for Grandpa's death--that if you had not been selfish to move to Minnesota to better your children's lives, then grandfather wouldn't have missed you and had the stroke. And since you had your heart attack and have been taking your medications, people have blamed that as the cause for the cancer. They have blamed my mother not giving you enough of the herbal teas as the reason this has now happened. Yet, you will not accept such accusations. Because you love us so much. You protect us so much. You even gave us hope last night when you said you would try to see what kind of response you will get if you are offered chemotherapy. Even if you didn't want to try anything anymore, I would have supported you dad. Even if it is not what I would have done, because your body suffers alone dad, you suffer alone.

I think about all the things you and I and mom have done together and I am thankful. I want to do more with you though because we still have so much time left together. So please, don't give up on life. I have not given up yet on you daddy.

With all of the love from my heart to you,
your daughter